Hoping for the best..

My son calls me a few weeks ago, and asks if he can move in with us. The first reaction is panic. I start to think, is he clean, is he running away? I also felt so awful as a Mother to even think those things and be terrified of him coming home. I felt sad, that I feel that way.

Since history has a way of repeating itself. I was afraid. Each time he came home things would be great for a while. Then slowly go down hill fast. Every time he comes home, it is worse than the last.

I am not sure what to do, he is alone in another state. I miss him and feel awful he is not hear with us. Do I let him come here and hold my breath in fear of what will happen? Do I tell him no and he then is angry with me and I may not hear from him. I love my son so very much, having to make this decision was so hard.

This would not be hard if he was not a drug addict. If he was at college, or on his own like a "normal" kid, I know I would not hesitate to let him move in.  But I know he is not taking that fact that he is an addict seriously. He is thinks he is OK, and that is scary. I know he needs support, and he refused to admit it. He is not using hard drugs, but he does drink. And I am not willing to have that in my home. Not that I am against drinking, but for my son in recovery I am.

I also think of the things that happened last time he was home, and how it effected my daughter and our life. I know I cannot let him come her. I cry, I get a headache. I am not good for anything that day. I tell him no.

He gets furious, told me I told him whenever he needs a place he could stay here was a lie.He is tired of being the black sheep of the family. I get that, but this is of his own doing, no one made him make the choices he did. Trust is not built over night, and he has not shown me he is clean. He needs to prove that he is changing. He cannot want to move here with no plan, now job. I did say that he could move here, but I did not think it would be in three months. I now feel guilty and like an awful Mom.... but I know I am doing what I need to. He is an adult and needs to learn how to be one. This killed me.

A week later he calls and asks again, and this time has found out about school and getting a job here, reluctantly I say yes. He did do the things I asked of him. Then I tell him ONE slip up he is out. He understands. Then he asks is there room there for him, I tell him since we downsized with the move, he has the sofa.

 About a few hours later, he texts me he is not coming. He is going back to the state he was in for rehab. And may be staying at a sober house. I am glad, glad he is taking responsibility for his life and addictions. And relived that he is not coming here , while he is still not one hundred percent clean and sober.

My daughter who is visiting my parents in our old neighborhood gets to see him. My parents take her and my son to dinner. She tells me he is going back to where he was living last year and he looks really good. He tells them at dinner that he was going to come here but knows we would fight the whole time, and close quarters would not be good.

I am glad he sees that, and I hope he finds his way.